Day 465 of my Bells Palsy journey. What I am feeling inside is blah today, no that is not quite correct. I am feeling as if my life is blah but I am mad at the Bells Palsy today. Since it is a huge part of me, perhaps I am mad at myself. Shit that does not make sense either. I am pissed that the fricken bells caught me and changed my life.
Don’t worry I won’t do anything stupid like take my life, although since I have been on this journey that thought has occurred to me more times than I wish to admit. My children Amber, Alex and Tim along with my grandchildren Lexi, John, Adrienne and Toby keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and not in the ground.
My kids, my grandkids, my life ya know? I have a huge family that would make sure my kids never felt alone but damn it, its my job to be here for them if they need it. When their dad, my husband walked out on us in 2000 I vowed to God that I would raise these 3 young children to be good adults with the help of my family. Well they are all adults but they need me at times.
Anyways I need to get back to telling how I feel, so perhaps I will get out of this damn funk I am feeling. I have felt so alone since this thing began, yes family and friends have tried to keep my spirits up but as much they empathize with me, they do not feel as I do.
I hate the fact that I stumble on some words. I do mean simple words like numbers and names. Hell if a word has two or my syllables or even certain letters in a one syllable word I will screw it up.
I cannot even say ‘I love you’ correctly, it comes out like ‘I lub you.’
What’s worse is when that babbling brook sound comes. We all have these little things inside our throat which help us get the food down our throats. Yeah the ones on the left side of my throat are affected and when liquid gets stuck there I sound like I have a babbling brook in my throat when I talk.